TCGOB: ANAV 2001 Archive

The Car Guy of Benchfield

I stumbled across an interesting link the other day, and I thought I'd share it with you. Since this web site has the word "guy" in the title, and a section called "All Muscle", I get a lot of hits from search engines from people looking for gay men-related material. I am able to track these hits and look at the actual search pages these people got by following a URL. I can also tell exactly what words the paticular person used for his or her search... in this case, someone typed in "muscle guy on car", and my site turned up as one of the top results (along with many gay and lesbian sites... talk about your irrelevant search results) because so many of the words on the request matched words found on this site. This is not the first time this has happened, but a hit is a hit, so I don't complain. On one of these search pages, I found a link entitled "The Ultimate Gay and Lesbian Cars". The link took me to a page on Cartalk.com, the www companion to the popular radio show. The article on Car Talk had a list of the top ten most popular gay man and gay woman cars, as well as a listing of "straight" guy cars and "straight" girl cars. The article was a very entertaining read, and was tastefully done. If you'd like to check this out, click here.

TCGOB Suggested Reading for December

Check out "Steve's Car Stories" on TCGOB

October and November 2001

What's Wrong With This Picture?

Our Misguided Car Culture

Notice this old Caprice with the lousy paint job and rust spots. What we've got here is a $400 car with several thousand (probably) invested in hydraulics. I bet there's just as much invested in the stereo system. What's the point? And what's the driver doing? Is he backing up? Trying a hasty escape out the driver window? Catching bugs with his face?

Oh, now this looks safe.... Not only is the passenger facing the wrong way, but where are their helmets? Probably the same place they left their brains.

I guess I really can't say much... after all, we children of the eighties did some pretty strange stuff with our vehicles, too. I can still see the Camaros and Chevelles with the rear ends jacked up so high that the noses actually touched the ground and still hear the Cherry Bomb glass packs. Burnouts were popular back then, but not as popular as drag racing down Parkway East in Birmingham, Alabama. Burnouts were a tradition on the last day of school, and the preperations were attended to by the graduating seniors who poured gallons of oil on the school's front driveway. And I thought doing a burnout on a motorcycle with no helmet is dangerous.... try running a parking lot full of high schoolers with underdeveloped driving skills over an oil soaked hill in the space of thirty minutes. The moral of my story? No matter how stupid you make the younger generation out to be, always remember that you were no different.

The Munster Koach Webpage is dedicated to the Munster's Koach and Dragula designed and built by custom car builder George Barris, the father of the Batmobile and many others. Tons of pics and other fun stuff and facts, including a downloadable font like the one I used to make the banner above.

Parting Shot Department

Better than "Dumb Crook News", it's "Downright Pathetic Crook News". This week's lesson; How NOT to sneak across the border... click here for that story.

State Farm releases list of 10 "Most Dangerous Intersections"

abstracted from a Yahoo! News story

So, the most dangerous intersection in the US is in Pembroke Pines, Florida, just north of Miami. I must say that I am not in the least bit surprised. Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry claims that "most Miami motorists graduated with honors from Moammar Gadhafi School of Third World Style Driving (motto: "Death Before Yeilding")." During my many visits to Miami and it's surrounding areas, I found this to be very accurate. All south Florida roadways seem to be choked with a 24 hour flow of traffic.... seriously, it never ends. There seems to be just as many cars out at 3AM and 3PM alike. The sheer volume of traffic Florida has is to blame for this intersection being as dangerous as it is. What does surprise me, however, is that Florida only had one intersection on the "10 Most Dangerous" list while Philidelphia, Tulsa, and Phoenix had two intersections on the list. Metairie, LA., Frisco TX., and Sacramento, CA., each had one. It just serves to remind me how lucky I am... I've driven in all of these states and through each of these intersections at least once with the exception of Sacramento and Phoenix, and have emerged unscathed. Of course, I never blather on a wireless phone while driving, either, so that makes it more than just luck. Which reminds me, the Yahoo article has several links on Accidents and Cell Phones. It makes me wonder.... which cities also have the highest concentration of wireless sunscribers? I wonder if it would correspond with the "10 Most Dangerous" list.

Ferrari foils "car scalpers" (AW) This is the kind of news I like to hear. This spring, Ferrari will be rolling out the long-awaited 550 Barchetta... all 448 of them. Naturally, they're all pre-sold, so there will be plenty of enthusiasts who won't be able to get their hands on one.... enthusiasts who will be willing to pay more that the $258,000 factory price tag. That's where the scalpers come in. They buy the cars, then "flip" them over to enthusiasts for a sizable profit. Ferrari is taking steps to stop this with a new owner contract that prohibits the owner from selling the car within the first year of ownership. However, if a 550 owner does want to sell the car before the first year is up, the contract will specify that the owner must give Ferrari the first chance to buy it back for the original purchase price. Sounds fair... I mean, what Ferrari enthusiast would be willing to give up such an instant classic so quickly? Porsche is considering a similar agreement for customers who buy the GT2. Naturally, exotic car brokers are going nuts, claiming that the whole thing is "illegal". Know what I say? (WARNING: RANTING AHEAD.) SCREW 'EM! Anyone who can afford just one $250,000 supercar has no need to make more money, so I have absolutely no sympathy for these exotic car "speculators" as they call themselves. Let 'em open up a used car lot and actually earn their money selling Mustangs to twenty-somethings and SUVs to soccer moms.

NEWS FLASH... GM's "slated for execution" marque to pace Indy. Just months after GM announced plans to kill off the US' oldest nameplate, they've put an Oldsmobile in front of the field at Indy. Not just any Oldsmobile, but their SUV entry, Bravada. What is GM up to? Are they trying to spark Oldsmobile sales and save the marque? Probably not... the Bravada has just undergone a redesign, so the truck is on par with Chevy's new Trailblazer, it's sister vehicle. Just trying to clean out the Olds showrooms I suppose. Pace on Sunday, Sell on Monday. Sure worked for the Aztek, didn't it?

Playing Dress Up: Seems that the PT Cruiser has started a new customization craze.... most I've seen aren't too bad... although I think folks are making a little too much fuss over a vehicle that is basically a Neon station wagon, a vehicle that looks pretty darn good without all that add-on guff. Then, I got the April 23rd, 2001 issue of Autoweek and saw the "woody" customizing kit being offered by PT Woody. (www.ptwoody.com) Wood trim, moon hubcaps, continental kit, whitewalls..... ugh. We only thought the Aztek was ugly. Leave the Cruiser alone, it's doin' just fine.

Attention Kmart Shoppers: I drive by the local Pontiac dealer nearly every day, and I've been noticing that their allotment of six Azteks have been parked in the same place for months. Their windshields are obscured by the price scrawled there... or should I say prices? The Azteks have been marked down repeatedly. I hear the lot boy there never has to do anything to them... other that dust them every week.

We told you it was ugly-- GM has announced that it plans to take the Pontiac Aztek in for a second-year redesign to work out some of the "styling miscues". My suggestion? Take it out behind the barn and shoot it. (AW)

More Aztec news-- Right on the heels of the redesign news, it became public that the Aztek was to pace the 2001 Daytona 500. Why? Pontiac admits that the car is seriously ugly, then puts it in front of thousands of spectators and millions of TV viewers. Word has it that the Aztek destined to pace the 500 will not be anywhere near showroom stock. Namely, a 345 bhp power plant, a lowering kit, and all kinds of other gadgets. (JAY) Someone needs to tell Pontiac what a former coworker of mine used to say about my vain attempts to accessorize my old Toyota... "You can't polish a turd."

Just one more Aztek bit-- According to Autoweek, Aztek was slated to sell 75,000 units per year. It sold 11,201 between August and December 2000. That's a rate of about 45,000 per year. My only question is if 11,000 have been sold, then where are they? I never see any on the road... Aztek owners must only drive them in the wee hours of the morning for fear of being pelted with rocks.

Skyline on the horizon?-- The Nissan Skyline GT-R is due for a major redesign for the 2003 model year. Possible engines? A 400 bhp turbo V6 or 4.5 liter V8. There's also rumors of a first ever appearance in the US. Yes! Give us the Skyline! Give us the chance to drive this supercar somewhere besides the Sony Playstation. (CD)

Speaking of Playstation fantasies-- Subaru's hot rod Impreza, the WRX is also destined to make a US appearance for the 2002 model year. (CD) This car, in my opinion, is not the looker we've seen in Gran Turismo thanks to a new nosepiece that give the Impreza a bug-eyed, Neon-like appearance. It think Subaru was going for a more Mercedes Benz-ish look, but it says Neon to me. Hi.

Camaro and Firebird escape the axe?-- The word from GM North America president Ron Zarrella is that GM will continue to crank out Camaros and Firebirds "as long as they are profitable and require no additional investment." GM's model lineup, with the death of Oldsmobile, will drop from 110 models to 63 in the next few years, so there suddenly seems to be room in GM's withered pocketbook for the F-body cars. (AW) My prediction? Watch that "no additional investment" bit... 2003 will mark the tenth year for the 4th generation f-body. The first gen lasted for three years, the second gen for twelve years, and eleven years for the third generation. "No additional investment" means no redesign for the f-body. We might see another five years of the popular muscle cars before GM attempts to kill them off again. By that time, the fourth generation styling will be so stale that no one will care but the enthusiasts. Expect one more "freshening" of the Camaro and it's sister before the final call. For my opinion of the demise of the GM f-bodies, click here.

The Crown Vic's new clothes-- This is supposed to be a 2001 model, but I haven't seen one yet. Ford is planning on producing a "sport" Crown Vic. The sport version is supposed to have a floor-mounted shifter (which is where God intended them to be anyway), snazzy suspension and 17" wheels. Sounds like someone we used to know, doesn't it? Kudos to Ford for once again coming in and filling a niche that GM foolishly walks away from. (i.e the Impala SS, the entire police vehicle market) Incidentally, I've heard that GM is working on an SS treatment for their wheezy front wheel drive "Impala".

Porsche Unveils Carrera GT concept car

Paris Auto Show-- Wow! Now this is a change of direction for Porsche. It seems that the German auto maker has never really strayed too far from it's wildly successful 911-type bodies. Even when the Boxster was introduced as a concept car in 1993, the styling cues were still obviously taken from the 911. My first thought upon seeing this car was; Ferrari-fighter! Porsche was left behind the turtleish 911 body behind and picked up on something that looks as if were styled by Pinnifarina.

Right now, the car is only a concept, but president and CEO Wendelin Wiedeking said that if enough interest is shown, the GT could see production as a 2003 model with a 500 model production limit.

The Carrera GT is powered by V-10 powerplant that cranks out a whopping 558 bhp and is capable of propelling the GT from 0-62 in just under four seconds. Again... WOW!

The price for the Carrera GT is said to be in the $350,000 range. Once again.... WOW. Hey, can you guys take a check?

Finally, Someone Puts a Yugo to Good Use

Photos by Tom Magliery

from the website "Yugo Art"

I'll never forget my first and only contact with the Yugo. It was 1987, and I was a senior in high school. My art teacher, a youngish starving artist type, came to class one day talking excitedly about her "very first new car." When I asked her what she had bought, she only smiled and handed me her keys. I walked out to her usual parking place and found that her tattered yet tasteful MGB had been replaced by a hideous blue Yugo. At 18, my automotive tastes leaned towards Camaros, Firebirds, and Monte Carlos, so the Yugo immediately turned my stomach. Nevertheless, I still opened the door and slid into the plastic interior. It didn't have that usual new-car smell, it smelled like hot vinyl. I decided to start the engine. I waggled the shifter to make sure it was out of gear, and the shift knob came off in my hand. Suddenly, starting the engine didn't sound like such a good idea. Afraid I would cause something else to break, I eased myself out of the fine Scandinavian machine, gently closed the door, and walked away.

I didn't have the heart to tell her exactly what I thought of her new car, I could only say vague, non committal things like; "nice color" or "Well, at least it is a straight shift." Turns out that I didn't have to say anything, she started to find out on her own soon.

I hadn't thought much about my art teacher's car since, until I saw Tom Magliery's web page of Yugo Art. Some of what I feel are the better examples are pictured above, but Tom has plenty more on his page. Click here to see more and visit Tom's site. Tom wanted me to stress that he is not the artist, he just took the pictures. For more on the artists, read the article below.

article from Tom's Site

Squeezing Lemons to Make Art

Article in the Washington Post, 16 July 1995.

Somewhere in the Archive of Lousy Ideas, along with Stalinism and McRibs, is the Yugo. It was a car -- in a manner of speaking -- that appeared to be based on a crayon drawing from someone's refrigerator door. Crude, flimsy and uncomfortable, the Yugo was pitched as a sensible, affordable approach to transportation, and was introduced to the American market just as the Gilded '80s reached their peak. The Edsel was a smash compared with the Yugo, and by the early '90s Yugo was bust.

Unfortunately, the ugly little things weren't biodegradable, so thousands of them still exist in junkyards and garages around the country. When Kevin O'Callaghan decided to buy a bunch not long ago -- "Yugos Wanted: Dead or Alive," said his classifed ad -- he was inundated with calls.

Given that no one wants one Yugo, why did O'Callaghan want more than 30? He's an artist, of course. A very funny artist, a professor of three-dimensional design at New York's School of Visual Arts and curator of "Yugo Next," an exhibition showing here at Union Station.

O'Callaghan invited his current and former students to propose new uses for old Yugos. Twenty-eight of his proteges delivered, covering their costs entirely themselves. Former Yugos from the former Yugoslavia fill the concourses and corridors of the magnificent train station in a variety of hilarious guises: slot machine, fireplace, porta-potty, shower stall, piano, mailbox, confessional, cigarette lighter, arcade game and so on.

The concept is a littly tricky for adults passing through the station. "What, are you trying to sell cars?" one asks. But kids get it immediately, rushing from one to the next. "A fireplace car!" "Look, it's a movie theater!" Kids immediately understand everything but the "Do Not Touch signs.

Children's imaginations are right up on the surface -- this is what we mean when we say artists are childlike. An adult looks at a Yugo and sees a crummy car. Sculptor Joe Vitale looked at his Yugo "and right away I saw that all I had to do was stand that thing on end and put a nose on it, and I'd have an Easter Island head."

Piera Digiulo, who teaches art in New Jersey, accepted the Yugo challenge and sat down in her kitchen to think. Her idea -- to convert a car into a toaster, complete with glowing red coils and giant bread slices emerging through the roof -- "just popped up."

Once the grown-ups get the hang of this exhibition, however, they love it. You don't always see a lot of smiles at a transportation depot; it's hard not to smile, though, when peering into Harlan Silverstein's Yugo, which he has transformed into a portable toilet, complete with plastic throne, ventilation pipe and industrial green paint job. The steering wheel serves as the toilet paper holder.

It's hard not to smile at the rustic stone hearth by David Hughes. this Yugo is poised on its nose and covered in fieldstone, with a fire glowing in the engine compartment, an old billiards trophy on the mantel and a deer head mounted at the top.

Or the giant beige telephone. This Scott Lesiak creation is the favorite of Ottiviana Morris, a self-employed Marylander who works in the District. Morris knows a lot about Yugos, because he bought one for $50 a few years back and commuted in it for 35,000 miles up and down I-270.

"It's a great idea," he says of the show, "because they sure weren't safe on the road. The only problem with the Yugo was the frame: There wasn't any."

Richard Awad, co-curator of the project, watches people stop, stare and smile at the creations from a desk at one edge of Union Station's great main hall. He made his Yugo into a diner, with a neon sign overhead that says "Hugo's," only the H and S are burned out, leaving UGO.

"You know how to double the value of your Yugo?" he asks laconically. "Fill the tank."

For a couple hundred years, artists and teachers and critics have emphasized the lecturing, elevating, admonishing aspect of art, which for a lot of people puts art in a class with sit-ups and bran. But here's this silly little car that Jude Dominique has covered with light-blue tile. The roof has a hole in it, and the interior has sprouted a showerhead. Through fogged-up windows you can make out the shower curtain, and there's a toothbrush holder where the rear-view mirror used to be.

There's a book on the desk for comments, and by the second day of the exhibit -- which continues until July 30 -- it is already full of praise. People give their names and addresses and write things like "Amazing!" "Terrific!" "Fantastic!" "So creative!"

"Better than a lot of the stuff at the Hirshhorn," reads one entry.

And another "WOW! (And I loathe art in general.)"

-- David Von Drehle

2001 Car Guy of Benchfield