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The Car Guy of Benchfield
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![]() 101 Damnations
![]() by Steve Wingate
![]() Author's Note: This article was originally written in 1989. I have long since lost the original, so I'm going on memory. I decided to unearth this article in honor of our Dalmatian, who passed away just a few weeks ago.
![]() We are the proud owners of a high-spirited (by which I mean spastic) female Dalmatian named Nikki. My mother often refers to her as a "purebred damnation". Nikki's hobbies are barking, eating, terrorizing small animals, and biting strangers. What follows here is a representation of how Nikki spends her day.
![]() 4:23 AM: Wakes up late after a hard night of barking at a tree in the back yard.
![]() 4:23 AM: Resumes barking.
![]() 5:17 AM: Pauses long enough to listen to one of the OWNERS shout; "Shut up, Dammit!"
![]() 5:17 AM: Resumes barking.
![]() 6:01 AM: Gets fed.
![]() 6:01 AM: Wonders where food went.
![]() 6:01 AM: Barks at empty food dish for 22 minutes.
![]() 6:23 AM: Stops barking and turns head, listening intently to a dog barking somewhere in a neighboring
![]() state.
![]() 6:23 AM: Resumes barking with renewed frenzy.
![]() 8:11 AM: Chews tail for 17 minutes.
![]() 8:28 AM: Resumes barking.
![]() 9:54 AM: Drinks 19 gallons of water.
![]() 9:57 AM: Resumes barking.
![]() 11:12 AM: Eats something revolting.
![]() 11:13 AM: Resumes barking.
![]() 12:01 PM: Eats a wasp, gets stung, spits it out, eats it again, gets stung again, spits it out again,
![]() etcetera, etcetera.
![]() 12:04 PM: Spits wasp out one final time, then barks at it for the next 47 minutes.
![]() 12:51 PM: Gets a Milk Bone, swallows it whole, coughs and gags for nine minutes, finally coughs it
![]() up, eats it again. Yummy.
![]() 1:01 PM: Resumes barking.
![]() 2:32 PM: Sees a car pull into the driveway and barks menacingly even though she has seen the same
![]() car pull into the same spot 49,107 times.
![]() 2:34 PM: Stops barking when she hears someone say; "Dammit Nikki, shut up, it's me!" She obeys
![]() this command for a record breaking .032 seconds before going over and barking at the
![]() garden hose for the next hour and 19 minutes.
![]() 3:53 PM: One of the OWNERS comes outside and she gets PETTED. Oh boy! She performs much
![]() tail wagging and hand licking to her OWNER'S delight. Nikki enjoys petting so much that
![]() she even allows the OWNER to play the hilarious trick where he scratches her belly and
![]() makes her leg go spastic. Ha ha. Sometimes Nikki really wants to bite the OWNER. Eh?
![]() What's this? Her owner wants to play FETCH! Oh boy! Nikki loves FETCH! The OWNER
![]() throws her favorite tennis ball and Nikki runs after it. What fun! She corners the tennis ball
![]() and barks at it. Yay! This is Nikki's favorite part of FETCH!
![]() 4:11 PM: Stops barking at the tennis ball when she hears her owner yell: "Bring the ball back,
![]() Dammit!" Nikki ponders this for a moment, or however long dogs are capable of pondering
![]() anything, then decides to pick up the ball and try to eat it. After this experiment fails with
![]() much gagging and coughing, Nikki runs back with the drool-laden tennis ball. The OWNER
![]() takes the ball, says "ugh", then goes inside to wash his hands.
![]() 4:11 PM: Resumes barking.
![]() 4:25 PM: Pauses long enough to drink 49 gallons of water, then pees in approximately 84 different
![]() locations in the back yard.
![]() 4:47 PM: Resumes barking.
![]() 5:31 PM: Gets fed again. Nummy!
![]() 5:31 PM: Wonders where food went again, then decides to find the squirrel she buried two days ago.
![]() 6:00 PM: Resumes barking.
![]() 6:42 PM: Gets let inside. Hooray! Immediately locates the litter box and checks for new contributions,
![]() then to the kitchen where she licks the entire surface area of the floor under the table.
![]() 6:50 PM: Realizes that her dog food, squirrel and cat scatter are not agreeing with her and begins to
![]() make loud doggie-coughing noises, which causes the owners to shoo her out the door .
![]() 6:52 PM: Knowing that the high points of her day are now behind her, (i.e. eating, getting petted, Milk
![]() Bone time, FETCH, getting let inside) Nikki blows air out of her nostrils as only dogs can do in
![]() a loud, contented doggie sigh. Life is good. Time to go bark at the air conditioning unit for a
![]() few hours then turn in.
![]() 2001 Car Guy of Benchfield
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